Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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