we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Randomize
