I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
