Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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