i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
