id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
