Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
