peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
