i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
