Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
