my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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