I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize