Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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