rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
