worst night to have a conscience
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
