I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize