my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
Operation Purity has been aborted
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
