the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
