I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize