apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
