I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
