remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
