in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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