You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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