I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
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