im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
