At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
