Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Randomize
