Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
