Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
