I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
