Even the bartender felt bad for me
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
