would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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