I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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