my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
