Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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