On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
she peed on how many people?
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize