i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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