We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You can't just leave with hair like that
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
