How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
