Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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