Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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