I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm at about main and main street
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
