I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
