I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
