So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
