Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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