I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
