you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
you had me at cake vodka
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
