No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Randomize
