My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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