pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize