Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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