dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
