at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
