Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
