She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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